I don’t know how else to say this so i am just going to say it. This has probably been the most painful week of my life.
You know when they say when you experience a really deep pain that you physically feel it in your chest? Well i can honestly say that the manifestation of the emotion is true. I used to think that these songs about how doing all these different things and trying to forget doesn’t help was super cliche and cheesy but it was not until this week that i really felt it happen.
Important factors in my life are crumbling right before my eyes and i do not know what to do about it. I have pushed myself into a corner where all the things i do lead to toxicity.
I do not blame God or anyone for this situation. In fact, the only thing thats keeping me sane, is the fact that i firmly believe and find joy in Him and not with people, material things nor events. I know this is ultimately going away but it just really is awful these days.
Incidentally, I read the most random bible verse today. (Yes I’m Christian and i read my bible, no big deal) its pretty crazy. if someone who doesn’t really read scripture read this, it might be completely taken out of context.
this text was taken from the book of Judges (19) NIV, to fill you in, a man was traveling and decided to spend the night in a transitional city, met an old man who offered him shelter for the night …
22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him. ”
23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.”
25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.
27 When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.
29 When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. 30 Everyone who saw it was saying to one another, “Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So speak up!”
its all messed up you know? What is that about? Some dude tries to sleep over a nice mans house and then a bunch of thugs come knocking and wants to rape him, but since the old man wanted peace, he decides to offer his concubine and virgin daughter instead and the men rape the concubine all night till she’s dead and then the concubine gets cut up in 12 pieces to be distributed in basically each state of their country. Sounds like a tarantino film or something.
But looking at it in context, these were times when Israel had no king. No leader and they just did whatever the hell they wanted. I could relate. No wonder they were in chaos and everything was messed up, you know? They did not look to God, since they wanted to do whatever they want. obviously their lives may have just directed itself to shambles. I have read this passage before several times and it did not jump out like it did today.
I try to remember that God is behind all of this even in the most messed up situations. My situation is terrible, but at least i have not been raped by several men and cut up into 12 pieces to be distributed in different states. I cannot possibly explain why these things happen with my finite and crappy brain. Its cliche, but only God really knows. And to be honest with you, the takeaway lesson for me here in this situation is you cannot possibly trust anything aside from God, because if you hang on to anything else, you’re not really giving yourself a good chance for anything.
To those who question, i know theres a lot of points you can attack in my entry. But please, spare me the hassle, I’m not out here to argue anything with you. Im just like any other guy trying to make sense of what is happening in his life. This week in particular, has been really terrible with me cause I’m in a lot of trouble emotionally and spiritually. Im in deep conflict with so many exploding emotions that i feel a throbbing pain in my chest just by thinking about it.
If you know me, please do not ask me to explain further. I will tell you if i want to but other than that, just leave it here.
If you pray, please say one for me because this is the most difficult thing i have ever dealt with in my life.
ok thats it. thank you for your time